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Writer's pictureSamantha Stilwell

Lacking Self-Empathy as an Entrepreneur: the toxic culture no-one talks about

Updated: Jan 24, 2022

As humans, we’ve been conditioned to thrive when we have a plan B.


We weigh risks, we look at options and then yes, sometimes we make impromptu decisions, but rarely are they so impulsive that we don’t have some kind of back-up plan for that ‘worst case’ scenario.


As employees, this manifests as having a fail-safe. We can deal with a lot more stress at work knowing there are other potential jobs we could move into if it gets too much, we work the long hours knowing our vacation is looming, and we push ourselves, or take on too many projects trusting that HR, or our manager, will encourage us to take a mental health day if it really starts to impact our performance.


There’s a level of confidence and security that comes with knowing there is something else there to save you from yourself, whether it’s a new job, a vacation, or a manager, we know that we’re safeguarded, so we continue on our pace.


Moving from employee to entrepreneur was probably most jarring because of this, and it only hit me today, many months past the transition, when I was struggling to let myself take a mental health morning (yes, you read that correctly, I struggled to give myself literally 4 hours of rest…we’ll talk about work-life balance another time).



It hit me that when you work for yourself, or your clients in my case, you are accountable for your own safeguards. You don’t have a bank of paid vacation days to look forward to, you don’t want to explore the “another job” option and you don’t have a manager or HR person strongly encouraging (read: forcing) you to take time off for your mental health.


So how do we learn to give ourselves permission to pause? How do we justify to ourselves taking that time away from working on our passions, or keeping the money coming in? How do you tell a client that you won’t be responding to their calls that day? If it wasn’t easy as an employee, it’s certainly not easy when you become self-employed.

I spent some time reflecting on it this morning, and here’s what I came up with, it’s not revolutionary but they’re important reminders:

  • Disengaged work is time wasted. So, I can either spend my morning trying to work and then balling that time up and tossing it in the (recycling) bin like a poorly written love letter OR I can decide to spend the time healing, so tomorrow I’m back with all cylinders firing.

  • As an HR consultant, telling my clients I’m taking a mental health morning/day is leading by example. If I spend my time training them and their managers on how to improve engagement and support their teams and I allow myself to be disengaged, what testament is that to the power of my recommendations? Why would they follow my guidance if I’m not following it myself?


Imagine you go to a friend’s for dinner and they tell you they experimented with the recipe, serve you the food and then they go make themselves something different. Quick poll, which of you is actually going to eat that dinner if the person who made it won’t? (There is a correct answer for this.)

  • Dr. Seuss knows what’s up. “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Re-read that, let it sink in.


Change the narrative: If I burnout, there is no back-up, it’s me. It’s my idea, it’s my hard work, it’s my knowledge. The amount of times I’ve said those words in order to ENABLE OR JUSTIFY burnout is insane. So flip it around. If I take a day off, will the universe and my clients miss me and my unique contributions? 2000%. BUT, if I burnout, they’re going to miss me for months potentially, so, with risks like that the decisions becomes a lot simpler.

At the end of the day, there is no perfect formula. We all have minds that race, trouble setting up heathy boundaries and limits, and a passion for encouraging others to make those healthy changes for themselves. It’s not going to change overnight but, the biggest gift you can give yourself is carrying the awareness that you’re struggling while finding that balance.


We don’t have to fix everything right away or make drastic changes, but we do need to call it what it is and remind ourselves that burnout doesn’t exist solely in organizations or happen only to employees.


This exercise makes me think of the question: “If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?” but rephrase it: If an entrepreneur burns-out and no one’s there to see it, did they really burnout?” the answer is yes, every time, yes.


If you get anything from this little slice of my mind today, I hope it’s the encouragement to take 5 minutes to reflect on where you’re at with engagement, stress and balance. From there, you can find accountability partners, or start different routines, or set 600 alarms each day reminding you to breath and drink water, but the biggest impact we can have on our health is to recognize when we’re struggling and allow ourselves to be human. :)

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